Copy of Unlocking the Secrets of Sexual Desire

Loss of sexual desire is a common issue that many of my clients experience. It's totally normal for people to go through phases where their desire for sex decreases. This can make you feel worried and alone, thinking something might be wrong. But remember, changes in your sex drive are common and can happen to anyone, no matter their age.

The good news is, in most cases a low sex drive can be tackled. It is important to recognize that variations in libido are a natural part of being human and lots of factors influence your sex drive.

Understanding Sexual Desire Fluctuations

To effectively manage sexual desire, it's important to first grasp why it changes. The Dual Control Model of desire is like a system in your brain and body that controls your sexual urges, similar to how your body regulates thirst, hunger, and sleep. It sends both "stop" and "go" signals for sexual desire.

Sexual desire is different from other needs because it needs a specific situation to happen. It's not like needing food or water to survive, so it doesn't just happen on its own. Think of desire like a car that needs certain things to start, like pressing the gas pedal or releasing the handbrake.

Acting as the trigger for sexual desire, the accelerator responds to specific cues like a tidy and cozy setting, gentle lighting, a desirable partner, stimulating conversation, or loving touch. Referred to as your sexual excitation system (SES), it identifies these cues and kickstarts sexual desire.

On the other hand, the brake pedal can reduce sexual desire in specific situations or when feeling stressed. Examples of stressors could be dirty laundry, noisy kids, worries about STIs or getting pregnant, or a partner who nags. This is called your sexual inhibition system (SIS), which identifies unappealing situations and slows down sexual desire.

Moreover, the sexual inhibition system includes a handbrake, which symbolizes persistent stressors such as past trauma or worries about sexual performance. These factors can greatly impede sexual arousal, even when the accelerator is pushed forcefully.

It is important to understand that people have different levels of sensitivity when it comes to feeling sexual desire. Some may find it hard to get turned on due to sensitive brakes and less responsive accelerators, while others may feel a strong sexual desire because they have sensitive accelerators and less responsive brakes. It's important to understand and accept that everyone's response to sexual stimuli is unique and valid.

Below are three effective approaches for dealing with a decrease in sexual drive:

• Take a Sexual Temperament Questionnaire: This helps you understand how your sexual systems work, so you can accept your unique sensitivity levels. By identifying whether you have touchy brakes or a stiff accelerator, you can validate that you're not "broken".

• Fill out a sexy context worksheet: Identify what turns you on and off to create an environment where sexual desire can grow. Share this with your partner to enhance intimacy.
  

• Manage stress: Stress can affect sexual desire, so use a Stress Worksheet to recognize stress signals and find ways to cope. Remember, reducing stress benefits both you and your partner.

Remember, sexual desire can be influenced by different factors like context and stress levels. Feeling a lack of desire doesn't mean you're flawed. It could just indicate a need to manage stress better. It's normal to have fluctuations in arousal and performance. Be gentle with yourself during stressful times. Try adjusting your view of intimacy to fit your current situation, like adapting to the demands of motherhood.

If you find that these fluctuations are impacting your relationship or personal satisfaction, consider working with a sex and relationship coach. Together, we can explore the underlying issues, develop personalized strategies, and create a fulfilling sexual life that meets your needs. Embrace the journey toward deeper intimacy and connection - your best sexual experiences are just a conversation away.

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Credit: “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski